You Stupid, Stupid Girl!

For the last week since Rod got stranded in Bangkok and then the horrible news about the attacks in Mumbai, I've been having the most morbid thoughts. Everytime the phone rang, I would seize up in fear that the person on the other line was going to be some officail and I would hear the dreaded words:-

"Maam I'm afraid to tell you that your husband is dead"

and then I wouldn't stop screaming..... but it wasn't my husband that died, it was Paulette's and I can see Paulette screaming.

I've been projecting Paulette's grief as if it were my own because I imagined the worst for myself before I heard the news and how I would react if I lost Rod suddenly. How I'd stare numbly at the door thinking he'd walk in any moment like nothing happened. I imagine identifying his cold lifeless body and thinking that's not my husband! He was warm and alive and smiling at me just yesterday! How I couldn't bear to be in our house with all his things lying around just waiting for him, that half finished book on the night stand, his unopened Christmas presents I bought weeks ago. All his folded shirts in the cupboard, his beloved car in the garage. I'd lie in bed at night and stare at the empty spot next to me and then I'd think about Paulette lying in an empty bed and I start to tear up but I imagine Paulete is crying even harder and I can hear that horrible sorrowful wail of anguish that goes on and on and on....

All week long while Rod was in limbo trying to get across 3 countries in order to meet his business requirements and then fly home safely. We joked over the phone about what a disasterous week we've had. I even thought it was a bad omen, a mistake we got married, even the weather was trying to tell us something, worst wind storm in 10 years w were told. By comparison we've had it easy. We're both so lucky because nothing really bad has happened yet and then I had an even more terrible thought. I thought about the odds that two guys working in the same company couldn't die in the same week. Things don't work like that. Like two major plane crashes on the same day or lighting striking twice in the same place and that Paul died so that Rod could live. What a terrible selfish person I am.

I've been dreading to get our wedding photos back because I think we will see lots of pictures of Paul. We had intended to include a picture of us with our guest along with a thank you note. I don't know if seeing a picture of her late husband (possibly even the last picture of him alive) would upset Paulette, I know I would get emotional. Do we wait to send her any pictures? (or any for that matter) How long? Does it get any easier with time? I suspect not. Again I feel silly for thinking such thoughts.

This morning Rod's plane landed safely in Sydney. I left the house emaculate this morning before leaving for work and even laid out a box of chocolates as a welcome home present. I'm breathing easier but I don't want to forget that your husband doesn't have to be in a foreign country to die, he could just as easily have a heart attack in the back yard. I hope I never become complacent and take whatever time I have with Rod for granted. Life and time is so precious.

Below is Paul's obituary from the Melbourne papers:-

Thursday December 4, 2008, The Age
CONLEY
Paul Raymond

Suddenly passed in Melbourne on Sunday November 30. Dearly loved husband of Paulette and father of Isabelle. Eldest son of Joyce and Bill, brother of Peter, David and Andrew, brother-in-law of Suzanne and Amber, uncle of Grace, Josh and Theo.

Darling Paul - my honey, my dear friend, my anchor. I will see you every day in the face of our beautiful daughter. You will be with us always in our thoughts and our memories. We love you so much and treasure your time as loyal husband and loving fun-filled father. May your lust for life live on through us, and through others that love you. A free spirit you always were. Our hearts brim with love and with loss.

Always yours Paulette and Isabelle.